Discovering who you are
Answer these questions without overthinking (haha yeah I know, as if!)
Who are you when you are with your family?
Who are you when you are with your friends? Do you have different groups of friends that you have different sides with?
Who are you when you are at work?
With which group do you feel “most yourself”?
Who are you when you are alone?
Do you know which of these is “the real you”?
I’m going to let you in on a secret. None of them are the real you!.
The more pieces of yourself you have made, the further away from “You”, you have traveled.
It can be very difficult to separate out these pieces as so many of us were raised in a Codependent family home. Our core wound from this was that “I am responsible for how others feel”. This can make for a lot of behaviour changes in our relationships.
We have a formal self at work and we can say at the end of the day we are going home to be with our family where we can really “be ourselves”. Or with a group of people who “really get me”. With one group of friends you talk about your family/kids, with others you talk sports/politics, with another you reveal your spiritual side.
There is nothing wrong with this but it often means we don’t actually know which parts of our identities are the “real” us. These groups of people rarely interact together so we do an excellent job of compartmentalising all these parts of our identity.
You aren’t being dishonest and you don't feel inauthentic because they all FEEL like you. Of course they do! You have many years of practice with this. All the way back to childhood when you started to shape yourself in order to get your needs met. Behaved and responded in the ways that got you love, approval, attention. Whatever you needed from your environment. In some cases you had to be quiet. In other situations you “performed” to distract or diffuse situations.
Bit by bit we break up the sides of our personality to suit the people we are with and start to make their emotional reaction to us our primary motivation in behaviour. This is where codependency has left us. It makes setting boundaries feel deeply uncomfortable because we so desperately want to fit in and be loved. Who would we be without all of these personas?
Our authentic selves.
It is absolutely possible to heal.
You know you're healing from codependency when….
Friendships and relationships are no longer driven by obligation,guilt or a fear or loneliness
You accept responsibility for your happiness and feel whole and complete regardless of relationship status, or any external factors.
You stop shaming yourself for communicating your needs and can ask for help without self judgement
You can allow another person to have their own truth and emotions while honouring your truth and processing your own emotions.
You no longer see yourself as better or less than anyone else. You see yourself as equal
You accept that perfectionism and people pleasing are forms of manipulation and let go of trying to control how others see you
You build a relationship with yourself that is compassionate even when you self-sabotage
You stop trying to save or change people and allow them to be who they are. This also starts with doing the same for yourself.
It starts with small steps. Time in silence. Deep breathing to regulate your nervous system. Witnessing these relationship dynamics. Setting flexible healthy boundaries in relationships.
One foot in front of the other. Again and Again.
If you need help with this I have dedicated the whole month of November in The Alignment Academy to Boundaries. How to make them and how to keep them.
If you haven't heard about The Alignment Academy yet, It's my online training portal that you can join at any time and it is a self paced learning environment to achieve the healing you desire in your life. If you are interested in joining click here or if you would like more information send me a message here